Question time

Speeches aren’t the only thing grooms have to worry about. Swot up on the answers to these common trick questions and you can enjoy the run-up in peace (and in one piece!)

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Words by Sarah Gillespie

Q DO YOU WANT TO COME TO A WEDDING SHOW WITH ME ON SATURDAY MORNING?

You might think: Given the choice, I’d rather stay home and organise all your shoes into height order, but what I really want to do is watch football with a few cans of beer and last night’s pizza.
You should say: “Sounds great! Planning this wedding is a team effort so it’s important we both to talk to suppliers and get inspiration. I’ll bring my man-bag so I can carry all the heavy brochures and leaflets as I don’t want you humphing them around.”

Q WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THIS CAKE?

You might think: It looks like a cake. Unless I’m getting a slice right now, I really don’t care.
You should say: “It’s beautiful. But do you think we should go for that many tiers? Although it certainly has stature, we could use spacers or dummy tiers to get better value for money.”

“All the old dears will love getting a peek at our perky bums and – it’ll be like Magaluf 2007 all over again!”

Q CAN YOU ORGANISE THE TRANSPORT?

You might think: Definitely. The best man and I can hire a Ferrari and see how quickly it can get from 0 to 90mph. You and the bridesmaids can jump into the A-Team van, and I’ll look out a bus timetable for your mum.
You should say: “Of course, let’s write down a list of everyone we’ll be responsible for transporting and I’ll make a shortlist of local suppliers to contact about package deals that help us save some pennies.”

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Q I’M WORRIED ABOUT YOU AND YOUR GROOMSMEN IN KILTS – WILL YOU BEHAVE?

You might think: It’s a safe assumption we won’t. I don’t see what the problem is – all the old dears will love getting a peek at our perky bums. It’ll be like Magaluf 2007 all over again! Maybe I’ll even bring my Borat mankini.
You should say: “I’m worried too, but I’ve spoken to Slanj Kilts and they actually sell Commando Flaps which will protect everyone’s modesty. You know what the boys are like – they’re lucky to have me to keep them right!”

Q DO YOU THINK I CAN CHEAT ON MY WEDDING DIET THIS WEEKEND?

You might think: At least wait until we’re officially married before piling on the pounds like your sister.
You should say: “Of course! I don’t know why you are trying to diet anyway – I’d love you at any size. In fact, why don’t we go out for ice-cream right now?”

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