1. Thou shalt pretend to care about weddings
I get it – you don’t care about weddings. Either you’re already married and never want to hear about candy carts ever again, or you’re still dancing on tables rather than planning them. Indulge me. See the silver lining. There’s free cake at the wedding shows and some boutiques will offer you a glass of wine while I’m trying on seemingly-identical-but-actually-totally-different dresses.
2. Thou shalt not moan about thy dress
I’ll never admit it, but I don’t want you to look as good as me (I’m allowed to think this – you’ll think the same when it’s your turn). But, at the same time, I don’t want you to look bad. If there’s one thing brides learn, it’s that all dresses look different off-hanger, so please try before you cry. I’ve spent hours trawling through thousands of dresses for you, trying to remember all your requests – who hates their arms and who looks jaundiced in salmon pink. Still unhappy? Google ‘worst bridesmaid dresses’ and count yourself lucky.
3. Thou shalt always take my side
In any argument. Whether it’s with my mum, my fiancé or my florist, you are firmly on Team Bride. Please don’t try to play Devil’s Advocate – don’t even play his secretary. If I’m being horribly unreasonable, play along for a bit, then wait until I’ve calmed down and only then explain why I’m making Mariah Carey look accommodating.
4. Thou shalt not fight with each other
Is one bridesmaid moaning about her dress? Is my fiancé’s sister not pulling her (annoyingly fluctuating) weight with the hen planning? Please don’t bitch to me about it. I picked you all because I love you (I’d no choice with the sis-in-law, mind you). You don’t have to love each other, as long as you all smile and look friendly in the photos. I don’t want my hen or wedding to look like an episode of Geordie Shore, so channel your frustration productively. Speaking of which…
5. Thou shalt develop a passion for crafts
Pinterest has done more harm to weddings than puffy sleeves and DJs who provide a running commentary ever could. The gulf between the wedding I want and the wedding I can afford is frightening. We can’t stretch to 100 crepe paper rose pomanders, and that’s why I’ll be asking you to help me make them. I promise to pay you in wine and return the favour one day when you’ve fallen in love with ribbon-weaved chiavari chairs.
6. Thou shalt throw me the best-ever hen do EVER
Like Pinterest, Facebook is another wedding weight around my shoulders. It’s not just that my hen has to be the best ever, it has to look it too in my ‘Henidorm 2016’ upload. I can’t stand matching T-shirts but I know a group shot of us all wearing one will make a great profile picture. I hate those naked butlers too, but a picture of my gran grabbing a bumcheek will surely go viral. I’m already paranoid that everyone who didn’t make the final cut for the big day will be bitterly critiquing our minibreak, so let’s really give them something to talk about.
7. Thou shalt ‘be you’
This is a difficult one. Fear of being outed as a bridezilla means I’ll never be able to say this aloud, but please don’t alter your appearance too much in the run-up to my big day. You might love sugar skulls, but is it possible to wait until after my pastel-pink-themed wedding to get one tattooed on your forearm? And while I’ll never be unhappy that you’re pregnant, it’ll be a bit sad you won’t have much fun on my hen. I love that you’re my most fashionable friend, but bright green hair will clash with the blush dresses I’ve finally decided on. I appreciate you want to look your best but please don’t crash diet the month before the wedding when the fittings are finished. They say you shouldn’t change for anyone, and that’s exactly what I’m asking. I love you just the way you are, so please stay exactly like this until I’m off on honeymoon.
8. Thou shalt not permit me to get drunk the night before
I can’t wait for the night before my wedding – all the girls together, having a laugh and getting ready! When we normally get together and have fun it involves bucketloads of wine. Throw in the honeymoon suite hot tub and pre-wedding hysteria and it has the potential to get really out of hand. But no matter how much I insist that I’ll be okay, please put me to bed at 9pm with a face mask and my meditation podcast. 5am with Justin Bieber blaring does not a blushing bride make.
9. Thou shalt never cast up helping me to go to the toilet
I won’t be able to use the toilet unaided, and that thought terrifies me. Even though we share a toilet in nightclubs all the time, I only ever need a pee. On my wedding day I’ll need help for at least twelve hours and two meals. Add in some wedding nerves and a lot of champagne and the prognosis isn’t great. If it ends up like that scene in Bridesmaids, please take it to your grave. It will never be a funny story to me. Silently spray some Febreze and forget it ever happened.
10. Thou shalt be on it on the day
Not on ‘one’, but on ‘it’. Less taking shots and more taking shots dancing with my grandpa. My budget didn’t stretch to that ‘on the day management consultant’ I put up a good fight for, so we’ll all have to job-share this role. I’ll be the gaffer (i.e. delegating and doing absolutely nothing). You’ll be the one stopping people from twerking too close to the cake and not letting the catering company leave without clearing the tables. And whatever you do, you can’t let the band play anything on my ‘banned songs’ list (you know how much I hate Don’t Stop Believing).